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Author Topic: CONFESSIONS.  (Read 561880 times)

Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23745 on: February 15, 2019, 09:36:46 PM »

Oh Clare Iím so sorry for your sister :(


Confession: my biggest regret currently is my existence over the last four years. I missed so much because of the state I was in, and I know some of it was beyond my control, but Iím so angry that I was talked into numbing myself practically out of existence. Itís been months, since August really, and Iím only now finally starting to feel again but I am livid. All the time. At the circumstance and at what it made of me. Itís not what I wanted. Itís not what I signed up for. And now Iím missing time. Thereís gaps and blotches in my memory where there shouldnít be and Iíve lost four years now that I can never get back. It makes me want to cry all the time. I just feel violated. But itís my fault in the end, because I agreee, even if I didnít know what I was agreeing to.
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Julia The Bookworm

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23746 on: February 16, 2019, 05:41:08 AM »

We all have our regrets, but the important thing is that you're in a better place now and you can move on.

Confession: I lied to a friend last night about not having romantic feelings towards them. This really wouldn't be a good idea for either of us to pursue being together because of stuff going on an each of our personal lives. It hurts.
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Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23747 on: February 16, 2019, 06:35:33 AM »

Problem is, I'm not in a better place, if anything I'm worse because I'm missing time and there's a bunch of stuff that was set off during that time I'm missing that I'm dealing with now.



That's hard :/ speaking as someone who went the other route and dated the friend, it does make things really complicated :/
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Reenie-La

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23748 on: February 17, 2019, 03:02:13 PM »

*hugs * Mara, I understand. And I'm sorry you're missing time like that. There's stretches I wouldn't have if not for photographs.

Kinda funny, I wanted to write a bit about my own feelings flickering back too. I don't know if I'm mad, sad, or anything about it. Recently I stopped taking what's halted the fires, and light -- but permitted the darkness, and cold to keep flowing even if not as deep.

There's always more I want to say, but no one left in my immediate life to say anything to.

https://youtu.be/JYsWUO-7gac

Until I heard this song I hadn't felt much of anything in a long time. There was a show premier 'round Christmas time that brought back a feeling unlit a decade's passed. After all this time there's no one left I want to bare my soul to -- most days not even me. Connection, connection; longing, searching, reaching for something that isn't there -- that's not present in anyone I so desperately cling to. It's haunting, taunting me. The things I aspire to sustain me: I can't achieve them on my own. And maybe even then it wouldn't matter. Connection is so fleeting.

Recently I realized what my deepest fear is: to be unwanted by those I hold dear. Time and time again of life I have endured this, and kept pushing on despite obvious expiration dates. Occasionally playing games of slime and fire, but mostly the waiting game -- and embarrassingly the convincing game. Trying to persuade people to be around me. Pretending to be provocative. Posing as a lush, (who can't even get drunk). To my core I'm afraid it's all fake. All these masques ready to parade for anyone within a breathes distance. Becoming whoever in front of me wants me to be. It didn't click until now, but I'm somebody who's got a masque for every occasion, and I'm not one to withhold what the audience wants. I'm simultaneously reflecting, and absorbing the person in front of me; I don't even know who I am. A blank canvas. Bleeding, dripping, feeling. Empty-pouring.

How do I get through from here? When there's no masque to wear: skirt to the corner, avoid looking up. Slip out of interacting with the world.
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Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23749 on: February 19, 2019, 12:35:10 PM »

Confession: I never gave the autism puzzle piece much thought until a couple days ago. Itís been the symbol for autism/aspergers for a while and while Iím aware of it, i didnít really think about it. Until I did. And it bothered me and I couldnít figure out why it did but I think Iíve got it now. The rationale for making the puzzle piece the symbol was twofold; on the one hand, it was about how autistic children (and ill come back to this) are off in their own world a lot and are a ďmysteryĒ to neurotypicals. On the other hand, itís about how puzzles are logic based, and autistic people tend to like puzzles. Hereís the thing. Iím an ADULT with aspergers, a concept that escapes SO MANY PEOPLE (a lot of people believe that itís only children who have it and that they ďgrow out of itĒ.). The puzzle piece does not reflect on me. I am not a puzzle that needs to be solved, I am a human being that exists just like neurotypicals, but I have quirks. And thatís ok. I like logic, but Iím not rooted in it. But thatís just me. Thereís a lot of other ASD people Iíve known who are the same. I donít think the puzzle piece is a good symbol. I think itís something assigned by a neurotypical who probably has the best intentions, but who doesnít and will never understand why the puzzle piece is inappropriate.
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Julia The Bookworm

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23750 on: February 19, 2019, 01:50:15 PM »

There's been a lot of negative backlash over that symbol, mainly because  it's associated with  the organization Autism Speaks  which  doesn't  have feedback from autistic people and  advocates for the eradication of autism in the US. ( I don't have a huge background and international disability advocacy, that's something I'm still learning about.) a lot of organizations have been creating replacements for it.  So you're not the only one that feels that way.
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ChaoticRhymer

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23751 on: February 19, 2019, 03:13:53 PM »

I honestly didn't know that was a thing. But then, I'm not really involved with too many other people with Aspergers.
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Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23752 on: February 21, 2019, 02:20:37 PM »

Confession: this is going to read really dark but here we go anyway. I think the main reason I'm at such a loss for what I want to do with my life is because I kinda thought I'd be dead by now. Like if you talked to me 5, 6 years ago, I had a plan and a detailed one of what I was going to do, and people believed it, but it was just made up, something I could say so that people wouldn't see how hopeless and broken I was. But now that I'm actually here, I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, because I didn't expect to get here. So I kinda just sit here and go... well, now what?
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|ĸιrα|

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23753 on: February 21, 2019, 02:24:23 PM »

^i relate to that so hard

Confession; so I was literally thinking today that I might want to get my master's degree online. And then on Facebook an ad came up for an online program to receive your master's degree online from University of Florida (a school I was thinking of applying to for my masters anyway) in wildlife forensics and conservation. Idk if I have the prerequisites for the program, but I can email the department head and find out and apply. It may just be robots hacking my brain or maybe it's a sign but idk, it seems pretty good to me.
« Last Edit: February 21, 2019, 05:59:10 PM by |ĸιrα| »
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Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23754 on: February 22, 2019, 07:55:03 AM »

Do it!

Confession: Iím spiralling again but itís different this time, I think because Iíve finally acknowledged some things that I refused to admit before. I always tried to be the positive, happy person, even when I wasnít. And when I was depressed, it was all about ďgetting betterĒ. There were inklings before but I pushed them back because they were ďwrongĒ. This time Iíve finally accepted that I donít necessarily want to get better. I like the edge, the crystalline feeling, the confidence that comes attached to it. Cliffnotes version, I think I was meant to be a not so great person and Iíve spent so long fighting it and now Iím just thinking itís damn time to embrace it. 
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Julia The Bookworm

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23755 on: February 22, 2019, 08:53:13 AM »

Because you have depression doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have depression.
Acceptance is always a pathway to growth and that's a good thing.
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Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23756 on: February 22, 2019, 09:17:05 AM »

No, it's not the depression that makes me a bad person, and I'm not even really "depressed" right now. What I've been pushing up against is the need to be a good person with a sunny disposition, helpful and driven and motivated. But I'm not and I never have been. That's kind of what I'm accepting. I am not and never will be that person, and I'm much happier enveloped in chaos than I am peace.
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Sadie-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23757 on: February 26, 2019, 05:05:05 AM »

Mara, I relate to that.  I don't think it's really that I'm actually happier in chaos though.  It's more that chaos is a good distraction.  It's a way to not have to actually face your own emotions and work through them, because there's too much going on around you to make time for yourself.  It's hard to find a balance between chaos and isolation.  It doesn't mean that you are a bad person though, I think it is a somewhat common experience.

Confession:
I'm tired of people not taking abuse and assault seriously.  I've opened up to all of my close friends about abuse that I faced for over 2 years from this person.  But he's in a local band that is very popular and everyone is obsessed with him, and even people who I considered my close friends are still chill with him in spite of the incredibly messed up things that he's done to me and other people.  I did a fundraising event for an art project I'm working on at my friend's apartment the other night and, without consulting me at all, DURING THE EVENT, they invited my abuser's band to come play a surprise set at MY fundraising event. So then, unexpectedly, I had to choose whether to be around him or to dramatically leave my own event the moment he arrived.  I chose the dramatic exit.

Like, what do you even do in situations like that? I'm doing everything I can to avoid this person and make it known that they are not safe.  I don't want to ruin his reputation or his life, I just don't want to be around him ever.
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Mara-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23758 on: February 26, 2019, 06:32:57 AM »

Sadie, if he abused you and others, his rep should be ruined. Otherwise, he'll just go and continue being an abuser.
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Sadie-la

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Re: CONFESSIONS.
« Reply #23759 on: February 26, 2019, 05:29:41 PM »

Maybe so.  But there are so many ways it could backfire that it just doesn't even seem worth it right now...  I'm just going to not waste my energy on people that stay friends with him knowing what kind of person he is, and hopefully that leads to more positive connections in my life.
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