Next Up From Cabbie On 'What Do You Mean They Didn't Say That?', Our Very First Musical Number, Entitled
'There! Right There! (Is Purgatory Gay or European?)', put on by the cast of El Dia de Muertos!
Santa Muerte: There! Right There!
Look at that tan, that tinted skin.
Look at the killer shape he's in.
Look at that slightly stubly chin.
Oh Please he's gay, totally gay.
Logan Crezlaw: I'm not about to celebrate.
Every trait could indicate the totally straight expotriate.
This guy's not gay, i say not gay.
All: That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to assume
that a man who wears perfume
is automatically matically fay?
Conor Garner: But look at his quoft and crispy locks!
Santa Muerte: Look at his silk translucent socks!
Logan Crezlaw: There's the eternal paradox.
Look what we're seeing...
Santa Muerte: What are we seeing??
Logan Crezlaw: IS HE GAAAAAY?
Santa Muerte: Of COURSE he's gay!
Logan Crezlaw: Or EUROPEAN??
All: .....
Ohhhhhh.
Gay or European?
It's hard to guarantee!
Is he gay or European?
Meph: Well hey, don't look at me!!
Murriel: You see, they bring their boys up different in those charming foreign ports.
They play peculiar sports -
All: In shiny shirts and tiny shorts!!
All: Gay or foreign fella?
The answer could take weeks!
They will say things like "ciao bella"
while they kiss you on both cheeks.
Santa Muerte: Oh, please!
All: Gay or European?
So many shades of gray.
Meph: Depending on the time of day, the French go either way!
All: Is he gay or European??
or -
Claudia Ernst: THERE!
RIGHT!
THERE!
Look at that condescending smirk.
Seen it on every guy at work.
That is a metro-hetro jerk!
That guy's not gay, I say no way!!
All: That is the elephant in the room.
Well is it relevant to presume
that a hottie in that costume
Claudia Ernst: Is automatically-radically...
Logan Crezlaw: Ironically-cronically...
Murriel: Scurtinly-curtainly...
Meph: Genetically-netically...
All: GAY!
OFFICIALLY GAY!!!
OFFICIALLY GAY, GAY, GAY, GAY -
DAMMIT!!!!
All: Gay or European?
Logan Crezlaw: So stylish, and relaxed!
All: Is he gay or European?
Logan Crezlaw: ... I think his chest is waxed!!
Murriel: But they bring their boys up different there.
It's culturally diverse.
It's not a fashion curse -
All: - If he wears a kilt or bears a purse!
Gay or just exotic?
I still can't crack the code!!
Noah Ragnarok: Yet his accent is hypnotic,
but his shoes are pointy toed!
All: Huh!!
Gay or European?
So many shades of graaaaayy!!!
Michael: But if he turns out straight I'm free at 8 on Saturdaaaay!
All: Is he gay or European??
Gay or European??
GAY
OR
EURO-
Conor Garner: Wait a minute!
Give me a chance to crack this guy.
I have an idea I'd like to try.
Logan Crezlaw: ..The floor is yours.
Conor Garner: So Mr, uh, Atory...
This alleged affair with Ms. Idence has been going on for...?
Purgatory: 2 years.
Conor Garner: And your first name again is..?
Purgatory: Purgatory.
Conor Garner: And your BOYFRIENDS' name is..?
Purgatory: Horace.
All: gASP
Purgatory: WAIT, NO! I MISUNDERSTOOD - YOU SAY BOYFRIEND I THOUGHT YOU SAY BEST FRIEND HAHA Horace is my, uh, best friend.
Horace: YOU BASTARD!
YOU LYING BASTARD!!
That's it!
I no cover for you, no more!
Peoples!!!
I have a big announcement -
This man is Gay and European!
You've got to stop your being
a completely closet case.
No matter what he say.
I swear he never ever ever swing the other way!!
Horace: You are so gay!
You big parfait!
You flaming boy in cabaret!
Purgatory: I'm straight!
Horace: You were not yesterday~
Horace: So if I may, I'm proud to say,
He's gaaaaay!
All: AND EUROPEAN!
Horace: He's gaaaaaaaay!
All: AND EUROPEAN!!
Horace: He's gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!
All: AND EUROPEAN
AND GAAAA-
Purgatory: FINE, OKAY! I'M GAY!
All: HOORAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!
~
Cabbie's Note: Purgatory later found he was, in fact, bisexual. Nobody's sure how Horace could sing so well in sign language.
