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Author Topic: My Uglies Fan-fic!  (Read 4436 times)

Shay-la-wa

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #45 on: June 27, 2010, 09:50:48 AM »

HEY EVERYONE! CHAPTER FIVE!!!

CRUSH

     Early that morning, I stood in the park, waiting impatiently for Jay. He said he'd be here today. Oh well, I'll get started without him. I got on my hoverboard.

     Eventually, Jay showed up on his hoverboard. I pretended to not notice him, until he was suddenly hoverboarding right behind me. I jumped -bad idea when moving - and fell off of my hoverboard.
     When I was about to hit the ground, I was suddenly caught by my crash bracelets and yanked painfully upright. I forgot I was even wearing them. I normally don't.
     I expected Jay to laugh, but instead he got off his hoverboard and ran toward me, wide-eyed. "You okay?" he asked.
     "Yeah. Fine. I fall a lot."
     "Oh, good. I normally hurt myself when I fall."
     "Well, let's keep going. And don't startle me like that!"
     
     We kept on hoverboarding until late in the afternoon, when Jay left to get ready for a party. I felt so alone after that. And hungry. I went to my dorm to get something to eat.
     Bored, with nothing to do, I decided to just go to bed early.
     I was almost asleep when someone pinged me. I looked at the ping. It was from my friend Ryley. Hey Obsidian, wanna watch the pretties tonight?
     I don't usually turn down these things, but I pinged her back, Nah. I don't really feel like it. Tomorrow, maybe?
     I fell asleep before I even got a ping in return.

     The next morning, I got myself a cup of juice and some pancakes. I looked out the window and nearly dropped my plate. There was Jay, standing right there!
     "What the hell are you doing?" I shout at him, a little harsher than I had intended.
     "Just visiting," he replied innocently, "Why, are you going to flip out at me or something? I haven't done anything wrong." He pouted. "Fine, I'll leave now then." He made a big show of turning around and returning to New Pretty Town.
     I rolled my eyes, glad he was gone. Will he ever stop following me?
Logged
I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
~ Outcast, Kerrie Roberts

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free
~ Citizen Erased, Muse

~THE WESTERFORUM'S RESIDENT SPECIAL

Hope-la

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #46 on: June 27, 2010, 11:06:06 AM »

Nice. It's really intriuging with Jay--why is he so interested in Obsidian? Me likey!

I can only notice one grammar mistake, and I'm a grammar guru.  ::) In the very first paragraph, you say, "Early that morning, I stood in the park, waiting impatiently for Jay. He said he'd be here today." Since you're writing in past tense, "today" should be switched, so maybe the sentence could read "he said he would be there." But other than that, great job!
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"Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny
That You are right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky"
~The Afters

Mara-la

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #47 on: June 27, 2010, 11:57:37 AM »

Imma confu.
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Member since April 24th 2010.
----------------------------------
Author of "We All Come Home"
Short story; pub. March 2018
in Scarborough Fair Magazine
----------------------------------
www.youtube.com/maragrace

Hope-la

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #48 on: June 27, 2010, 09:48:52 PM »

Logged
"Light, light, light up the sky
Light up the sky to show me You are with me
I, I, I can't deny
No I can't deny
That You are right here with me
You've opened my eyes
So I can see You all around me
Light, light, light up the sky"
~The Afters

PATT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #49 on: June 28, 2010, 02:03:14 AM »

Well, my English teacher is an evil creeper.
whats his name i cant remember
*scary music plays* Mr Biafore... *DUN DUN DUNNNN* But he's leaving, so you'll never meet him.

Yeah i know i know who my teachers are already
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Uniporn Jizz brand Glitter

Cola

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #50 on: June 28, 2010, 11:06:22 AM »

I love it! But things happen too quickly in the first few chapters (1-3), it seems to me like it's just a list of what Obsidian does.  But keep writing!!
« Last Edit: June 28, 2010, 11:10:56 AM by Coco »
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'Hi Ping-la'.
The world is a vampire.

Shay-la-wa

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Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #51 on: June 29, 2010, 12:39:16 AM »

Hmm well there's not really much action yet I'm trying to build up a plot...
I know what'll happen later, but until then I'm trying to fill space.
Once the actual story starts, the chapters will get longer.
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I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
~ Outcast, Kerrie Roberts

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free
~ Citizen Erased, Muse

~THE WESTERFORUM'S RESIDENT SPECIAL

Shay-la-wa

  • Hero Member
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  • Posts: 5786
  • My picture is Peeta, but Cinna's way better.
Re: My Uglies Fan-fic!
« Reply #52 on: June 30, 2010, 02:25:59 AM »

PREPARATIONS

     The next six days went past very quickly; I'd go out hoverboarding with the younger kids, the sun shone, and Jay was always there somewhere.
     What's with him? He can't leave me alone. It's not like I'm super attractive or funny or anything. And he's a pretty. What could he see in me?
     Oh well, I shrugged that question off. I'd be a pretty soon enough. Then maybe we'd get along. Only five more days.
     Then suddenly a thought occurred to me. I'd have to do some huge trick just before I turned pretty. Maybe I could even go out to the ruins. That would be cool. And fairly easy, too.
     But I wouldn't go alone. And none of my friends would want to go with me. Maybe...
     Jay suddenly appeared behind me, startling me out of my thoughts. "You've got to stop doing that!" I told him.
     "Sorry, I thought you'd be paying attention. I don't teleport or anything..."
     "Actually, I was thinking..."
     "Thinking what? What were you thinking?"
     "I was thinking, Jay... You up for an adventure?"
     Jay frowned. "Adventure? You mean, like, running away? To the Smoke or something?"
     I'll admit, I was surprised that Jay knew about the Smoke. I really didn't expect that. He just didn't seem the rebellious type. "No, not all the way out there. Just to the ruins. You know, stay the night out there, then come back before anyone finds out."
     Jay considered the idea for a minute, then his face lit up. "Well, when do we leave?"
     "I was thinking tonight."
     "Sounds great. I'll go get ready." He seemed to think I actually wanted to go anywhere with him. Well, maybe I actually did. But I wasn't about to ruin his happiness either way, was I? I went back to my dorm to figure out what I should bring.
« Last Edit: June 30, 2010, 08:37:31 AM by Team Shay »
Logged
I'm not good enough
I'm not what they want
But let me tell you what
I know who I am
~ Outcast, Kerrie Roberts

For one moment
I wish you'd hold your stage
With no feelings at all
Open minded
I'm sure I used to be so free
~ Citizen Erased, Muse

~THE WESTERFORUM'S RESIDENT SPECIAL
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