It's just so disheartening to realize that I genuinely don't think I'm cut out for grad school and even if I take a year off, what if I've already ruined my chances at it because I fucked up my grades? Like there's so much I want to do but I don't know if I've lost myself along the way. I've always been an academic person and the thought that maybe I just really can't do all that stuff sucks. There's so much I still want to do but right now I can barely get through a week of school. And that "I'm stupid" thought just won't get out of my brain, it crushes me every time I try to do schoolwork or participate in class because I'm comparing myself to grad students who are mostly my age, some younger, who seem to not be struggling at all. All I've ever wanted to be is smart and I don't feel like I am anymore. Like, I can't be a grad student bc I can't fathom coming up with a unique thesis and be able to prove it and show it to professors. Everything is just so soul crushing right now
I'm quite late to this, but I strongly suggest finishing up your undergrad, and then taking time to work in a job for a bit. Not like a retail job, though I'm not discounting that, but in an office role of some sort. That way, you're focused on something, you're earning money. If it's not for you, it's not for you, you can quit, go back and do your masters if that's what you want, get a different job that could be more relevant to what you want to do that could be more attainable because you already have experience, or quit and do something entirely unexpected like starting your own business. There are so many avenues to go, and while that can be overwhelming, you kind of just have to pick one and go. You strike me as someone who needs to have some kind of stability, which is why I'm recommending this path, because then you'll have your BA, be done with it, take a break from school because school is such a high pressure low reward area (all for nothing too, if I'm being totally honest, because nobody in the working world cares about if you got a 90 in a class or a 50, as long as you do the job you were hired to do that's all that matters) and then start to move into something fresh in your life. Sometimes that step into something new is a good way to hit reset. If you come back to your original goals then great, now you know for sure it's what you want and you'll fight for it all the harder. Alternatively, you may find something else along the way that is unexpected that you love, and that will be your path.
We spend so much time dwelling on what we "should" be doing, be that what our parents tell us, what society tells us, what our peers tell us, or what we tell ourselves. Life is just a huge game of making it up as you go and figuring things out along the way... while it's great to make plans, plans don't always survive contact with reality, and that's okay too. I'm not sure if this long thing helped at all, but I hope it does.
