"Through middle and high school I had surrounded myself with people that told me they cared.
I surrounded myself with the people my parents were happy to see me hanging around.
I spent hours, days, months, years with people that later would just walk away.
The people I cared MOST about walked out of my life within the blink of an eye.
Hanging out stopped. Calling stopped. Texting.... Stopped. Quite literally within two months all the people that said would be there. Weren’t.
I didn’t allow that to drag me down. I found new friends, built new relationships.
Now. Before you all FREAK OUT on my post saying “this is how life is”. Trust me. I KNOW. Not everyone is meant to stay in your life forever, blah blah, cliches.
But i also know the friend group I had then, they’re all still friends today. Still texting, calling and enjoying each others company.
I miss them.
But I’m happy they’re no longer in my life.
Because the people that were supposed to be the ones to show me the most love. Were the ones that showed me the most hurt and pain.
Im so grateful for the friendships and family that I have now, the ones that have showed me that no matter what struggles and hardships you go through God is always by my side and nobody can stand against me.
The ones that have lifted me up from the ground, brushed me off and told me to shape the hell up. My life has never been perfect, and it never will be, but im happy to say ive found some real people that accept my flaws and push me to grow as a person.
And to the ones that walked away and still have my name in your mouth saying “i went down the wrong path.” Etc.
Im way happier now, compared to then. And I have an AMAZING life.
I chose my path and i wouldn’t change the choices I made after you left. I also learned that just because they are the friends your parents would rather you have, doesn’t mean they’re the friends you should have."
To the girl who wrote this:
I'm sorry that you had to feel this pain. I'm sorry that people who were put in your life for a time had to leave. I'm sorry that I was one of those people. I am so sorry that you've felt shame for who you are, but I'm even more sorry that this is how you feel you need to free yourself from it. I read this post and I cried. You think that you know so many things about our lives- the people that you used to call friends- but you could only know if you would have asked us. Or if you had thought about the idea that maybe we were all just as broken as you, but we'd found something to help us own that and that was each other. I can't speak for all of us that you blame, but I can speak for myself. I can tell you what I was going through while you never though to help anyone but yourself.
During the time we were helping you with your struggles, I was dealing with depression that no one had ever taught me was a possibility for me. I was dealing with the loss of all the people I considered to be close friends. The boys I thought could love me only loved all the other girls. The friends I thought I had all vanished as soon as I was pulled away to move again, even though I came back to see them. My job that was keeping me afloat by getting me to wake up and live every day screwed me over in every way they possibly could before I left. After that I thought I was back on track and figured out what I was going to do with my life, so I submitted my application for school. A week later they denied me and I lost hope that I would ever be able to make it in that world. Then I went through the worst physical pain I had ever been in for weeks without telling anyone, thinking that it was something I deserved. And who would I have told anyway. The only reason someone found out was because I fell backwards in pain and was rushed to the ER. After surgery I couldn't find the will to get out of bed. I had nothing to live for, so I ran away to visit my sister for a month.
When I came back I had figured out nothing more than before I had left. So I came back just as jobless, friendless, school-less, goal-less and hopeless. That's what I've been ever since. I lost my creativity to depression. I lost my friends to distance. I lost my goals to doubt. I got a job back, but it just left me in the same spot, stuck working the hours normal people get to live, killing myself to work hours that just kill me a little faster.
I did this all by myself. You weren't there for me. I never once got a message, phonecall, or email asking me about any of this. You just wanted me to ask you how you were doing, what you needed, who had hurt you. I could have done all of those things, like I'd been doing for you for five years before that. But you never opened up to me. You stayed as shallow as you could in your answers. You used me when you wanted to feel good, because that's what I do. I help people with their demons while they let me live with my own. How much longer did you want me to enable you to live in your pain? How many more times did you want to bring me into it with you? Did you ever realize that every step out of the pit you took was adding that much weight back onto me?
You want someone to blame for the place you sat for so long. And you chose us. If it helps you, fine. But realize that the course of your actions affect others, especially when you make assumptions without the full truth. I wanted someone to blame to, and I realized I let my own demons in. They still haunt me now, but they don't get to control me. I'm not telling you that your opinions and feelings don't matter, I am telling you that blaming us for it won't save you. If you want the answers to your questions, ask instead of assuming.
The people you think ditched you and stuck together, I fought to get them back. Where were you in that battle? I spent years trying to earn space back in their lives. They don't even tell me when they're in town. I fight for moments with them, because they're the people who have let me share my heart. Even if I'm not at the top of their minds, and don't talk to them all the time, they are the people who will help me when I ask. They are the ones that won't be offended by my failures.
So next time you want our attention, ask for it. Call. Text. Reach out in a way we can hear you needing us. Because we don't even come running for each other unless we've reached out.
I am truly sorry for what you went through. I wouldn't wish that pain on my wort enemies. I need you to know that I'm thankful for every moment that we got to spend together. Back when you were a willing participant. But you don't get to blame me for falling out when it takes two people to loose touch.
