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Author Topic: I need your opinions on this fic!  (Read 1294 times)

Nina-Chan

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I need your opinions on this fic!
« on: September 30, 2012, 01:59:38 PM »

This would take place during Pretties right after Tally finds out about Zane's brain dammage. This is for an english assignment where we have to captue a character's voice after they have experienced some form of voilence (in this case, emotional and psychological) in this case I had to make  some adjustments because my teacher has never read the series before.
So what do you think?
Also im on my grandmother's computer and it it old and the word count is bogus, could someoen please tell me how many words tyhere are in this?

Tally Youngblood lay on her back underneath the stars. It was freezing outside but Tally did not care. The others knew better than to disturb her. When David had tried to talk to her she outright ignored him. She had wanted him to go away. She wanted everything to go away.
It was like whatever she did was bound to hurt somebody. When she thought she had finally escaped, Tally was always pulled back into confinement and another person always suffered in her place. 
Maddy had called her lucky and Tally took no umbridge at the tone of detest Maddy had used. It was after all because of Tally that her husband had died. Az was also David’s father but David’s forgiveness of Tally for indirectly killing his father and destroying his home was no act of heroism, it was simply love. David loved her, which made Maddy like her even less.
Tally would not use the word lucky to describe what she was. “Pawn” was more like it. She lay in the New Smoke because the original refuge community called the Smoke was burnt down to ash because Tally Youngblood had betrayed her friends, people she loved. This was all because she wanted to be Pretty. Now that she didn’t want to be Pretty she wound up hurting her boyfriend in a way she could have never imagined.
There had been two pills to cure them of the lesions that gave them the shallow minds that Pretties had. Tally and Zane each took one. Tally-and-Zane. Tally and Zane, together had wanted the cure. However it was lucky Tally who had gotten the pill meant to control the other pill. That pill had done nothing to her. It was her boyfriend who she loved, Zane who had taken the other pill. The very pill that literally ate at his brain. It was Tally who gave her boyfriend brain damage.
They had always wanted to protect each other from danger. Zane would act as though he could make sure Tally would never be touched and Tally had always tried to talk him down from his determined state like he tried to talk her down from hers. Whatever arguments they had were about protecting each other. All of that for nothing. The only reason they had each taken one pill was to protect each other but at the end of the day there was still an imbalance and Tally had come out the better end.
Tally could remember Zane passed out in the middle of Cleopatra park just as vividly as if it had been yesterday. She remembered her worry and fear and how deep inside she had known what was happening and Zane had too. She remembered Zane doubling over in pain from his headaches, feeling the damage of the nanos inside the pill eating his brain. His headaches worried her and Zane had tried to be strong. Zane was strong. While her pill had done nothing, Zane kept encouraging Tally to stay clear-headed. Somehow, without a pill Tally had cured herself. Her mind was stronger than she had thought. “Lucky” as Maddy would say. 
At one point Tally had craved a perfectly normal lifestyle, smoothly going from an Ugly to Pretty on her 16th birthday and living her life without a bump in the road. A small part of her still wanted that today but it was all too clear that would never happen. 
The Specials would never loosen their grasp on her. Even though she was far from your average Pretty, the Specials still had a place for her. That place was among them. There was no escape anywhere. Tally did not belong anywhere. There had been two points in her life when Tally has realized how much she had enjoyed being out of the system; when she had been at the old Smoke as an Ugly and when she and Zane had started to cure themselves. Both times the Specials had found their way back in. They had used Tally to destroy the Smoke and the second time they closely monitored Tally and Zane after realizing what had been going on. Even after this escape from New Pretty Town she and her friends made, Tally knew that the specials were bound to show up sometime. They held everything so tightly together that even an escape was a test that the Specials set up to see who to make one of them.
Tally Youngblood was trapped.
Zane had brain damage.
This is the world that Tally lives in now.
 
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Luna Lovegood

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2012, 02:03:24 PM »

760 words.
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Nina-Chan

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2012, 02:08:21 PM »

thanks 
what is your opinion?
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Luna Lovegood

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2012, 02:12:59 PM »

It's pretty good.
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Nina-Chan

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #4 on: September 30, 2012, 02:13:37 PM »

thanks
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Leah-wa

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #5 on: October 01, 2012, 02:43:22 AM »

I've put my fanfic on fanfic.net, more reviews the better guys.
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Reenie-La

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #6 on: October 01, 2012, 03:18:50 AM »

I like~! And as I said anything Uglies is awesome~! xD
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Nina-Chan

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #7 on: October 01, 2012, 04:10:46 AM »

thanks, did i do a good job at the voice?
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Nina-Chan

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Re: I need your opinions on this fic!
« Reply #8 on: October 01, 2012, 04:11:51 AM »

thanks :) and thanks reenie lol
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