Well, it’s about 1,000 degrees here, so the mayor has called a “heat emergency.” This means that city agencies will try to conserve energy, and ordinary New Yorkers run their air conditioners at maximum, continuing the unending competition to see who has the coldest apartment when the power grid fails.
But don’t you worry about Justine and me. We have a terrorism/blackout/zombie invasion survival kit in the pantry.
It contains the following:
8 liters of water
1 tiny plastic flashlight
1 AA battery of dubious charge
Okay, it’s a pretty crappy survival kit. Especially seeing as how that flashlight needs two AA batteries to work. (Where did the other one go?)
Still, I figure that any American home is full of batteries if you really need them. We must have 36 AAs in strategic reserve (that is, remote controls), and I happen to know that the VCR remote hasn’t been used for four years. If those two batteries aren’t covered with green mange, they’re bound to be full of juice!
The only problem is, I can’t even find the remotes when the lights are on.
Luckily, I know exactly where the refrigerator is, and it’s stocked with all sorts of bonus survival gear, namely:
12 liters of seltzer
1 young coconut
fuego mega-hot sauce from our favorite brunch place
1 bottle of prosecco
1 bottle of champagne
That’s how we roll. A whole lotta survival going on there. But not to worry: I just moved the pantry water bottles into the fridge, so they’ll get cold and keep the fridge cold for much longer when the inevitable blackout comes. That way, it’ll take ages for the mustard to spoil. Genius!
Feel free to panic.
This charming image adapted from Global Warming Art.